I should have had the world by the tail. After all, we had just bought a new house, had two beautiful children, and my hard-working husband made it possible for me to leave teaching and be a stay-at-home mom. What more could I want at 31 years of age? Yet, I felt miserable. My expectations for our marriage, my motherhood, and myself had fallen far short and I had no idea where to turn.
As a wife, I found myself unable to cope with everyday problems. A horrible money manager, I often got us into expensive financial fixes. An unorganized procrastinator, the state of my housekeeping provided continual opportunities for embarrassment. To top it off, I did not deal well with confrontation, so issues in our marriage put me in a tailspin of inadequacy and self-pity. My range of emotions bounced between guilt, frustration, and pent-up anger. I loved motherhood, yet often lacked the patience that mothering a three-year old and a toddler demanded.
No matter how hard I tried to manage my life I always seemed to fail. In crisis, I shared my tale of woe with a girlfriend. She suggested that I talk to her pastor, a plan I fiercely resisted. Still, I was ready to try anything, so I agreed to check out her church. During Sunday school class, I listened and tried to understand. I decided to pursue this route—to give it a chance. Yet not much had changed for me. I still felt despondent.
One day, while my husband worked and my children napped, I walked into a spare bedroom and got down on my knees. In absolute desperation, I cried out to God, “Please, please make me whole.” As I wept alone in that place, the most remarkable thing happened. A sensation of love and utter peace entered at my head and settled at about the level of my heart, as if life poured in filling me up like water into a pitcher. There it remained for several minutes. I did not hear or see anything, but I knew at that moment that God was real, that he loved me, and would answer my heartfelt cry.
It soon became clear that I bore the responsibility for much of my mess and that my pride and self-centered attitude had separated me from my creator. I admitted all of that to God, asked him to forgive me and determined do things his way. I would like to say that my life radically changed, that I got a grip on my identity, and became the perfect wife and mother as every puzzle piece fell neatly into place. However, the truth is that I had only begun my spiritual walk.
Since then, I have grown bit by bit as I entered into this new faith relationship. The guilt left early on when I embraced the gift of total forgiveness through Jesus, God’s son. It has taken longer to let God lead and for me to forgive others, but his love continues to give me that ability. Our three wonderful children now have their own families. My husband and I have both retired and enjoy married life more than ever.
My most awesome realization has been that God is very personal. He communicates, not just through the Bible but also through his spirit. He has given me so much including wisdom, comfort, healing, and the ability to handle life’s challenges. Learning to maintain my end of that relationship has kept me on this faith walk, day by day. Now, I can honestly say that I feel whole.
It is impossible to tell all of my story. So, if you are curious about some part, drop me a note by emailing me at ggirl91919 (ninety-one, ninety-one, nine) at bellsouth dot net. I also welcome your comments, so let me hear from you.